The Uber of shame
Discover more from Mat Venn
The Uber of shame
How technology has changed dating forever
"Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are."
–Will Ferrell
Intro
Technology drives behaviour.
It greatly influences how we date, our mating rituals, sex and how we navigate the hot mess that is the journey to finding love.
In this pathological prose I shall attempt to highlight the pros and cons afforded by digital technology.
Finding a mate
In pre-smartphone times, there were only a handful of analog methods to find love. Usually you would meet someone in a bar, or club, or at work, or you might go on a blind date.
Now dating apps are the de-facto method. This presents the following issues:
Technology cannot quantify or simulate ‘chemistry’. Chemistry is THE most important factor.
So you find the ‘perfect’ match. The issue is, they have 12 other people on three different dating apps, and those guys are just as attractive, successful and thirsty as you. Maybe they got a better finesse game. Maybe they know how to dress properly. Maybe they can speak conversational French, and play classical piano (ah, ma grand projection)
People don’t meet organically anymore, also if they do, see point 2. You have no option but to play the apps game.
Dating apps are awful. I wrote this salient piece which outlines why
Your ‘smartphone’ life is a mere simulation of your REAL life. A filtered and unrealistic simulacrum. This is a terrible basis of which to form a relationship.
Done with dating apps? There are still some analog options
Uber
I swear I only use Uber for dating. It’s the PERFECT use case, a 24 hour ‘get out of jail free’ card. You remember when you were drunk and lost and your mum used to come pick you up at any time, any place? Well now imagine your mum is a mid 20’s guy called Ahmed who drives a Toyota Prius. It’s pre-paid, so no issues with money, and it’s air conditioned.
Uber can satiate any scenario:
Getting to the date? Get an Uber and arrive refreshed and ready. No sweaty public transport journey. This person could be THE one. You don’t want to rock up with chewing gum on your trousers or tube smell
Date is going bad? Make your excuses, leave and order an Uber. You can bounce within 10 minutes of *that* moment of clarity
Date going well? Use Uber to move from pub to bar, bar to restaurant, club or whatever. Its like having your own personal chauffeur
Date going REALLY well and a sleepover is agreed? Order a fucking Uber, ASAP before they change their mind, don’t overthink it. No alcohol is allowed in the car, which is great (you need some sobering up time, soldier, use the journey to do some mindfulness and breathing). Stay calm and don’t get frisky in the cab, you will get a bad rating.
Bad one night stand? Regret the fuck out of it and need to bail ASAP? It’s 3 in the morning and that post nut clarity is terminal? Order an Uber, no more walk of shame.
Good one night stand? Enjoy that morning sex, shower and enjoy a lovely Uber home.
Perfectly fine date, thank you very much? Uber is also a really great way to be a decent person, and pay for someone to get home safe. For me it’s a lovely thing to do. It feels like a gentlemanly gesture and so I always offer. I like to know that person has got home safe.
WhatsApp is the de-facto next step after you match on a dating app. At some point one of you is going to suggest swapping numbers and that is the point where you stop window shopping and have a proper look around.
You can flirt and send proper pictures and links, there are no boundaries. This is not necessarily a good thing. A few warnings:
Beware anyone who tries to kick you off Bumble/Hinge/Tinder onto it too early, this could be a sign of a scam or a narcissist. Dating apps give you a greater level of security and you can report any bad behaviour. WhatsApp however, is the wild west. Beware of giving out your number unless you really feel comfortable and actually want to meet the person.
Once you have given out your number and started to WhatsApp chat, your full name appears on the other persons phone. They will then use that full name to Google the living shit out of you.
One of the most disturbing, yet predictable issues afforded by technology, is that any person you swap digits with, will find your social media accounts and study them like they have an exam on you tomorrow. A retrospective reaming of at least 2 years of your posts. Family, friends and geotags.
75% of women and 58% of men check their date's social media profiles before a date
My take: Women are more naturally curious, and let’s be honest, men are not best known for their honesty or integrity when it comes to dating.
This low level stalking never ends well. It’s too much information, too soon.
From this dreadful research, they will make a mental picture of who you are, and build a profile based on assumptions, their own projections and whatever their friends think. Savage, but so predictable.
The worst social media account to be stalked on is Instagram. The whole point of Instagram is to present a better version of you and your life. But it’s just a filtered, cropped and polished simulacra. That ain’t you, its the trailer to your movie.
Projecting a better you on social media is pretty standard. We all do it, so whats the issue?
Nobody has ever posted a realistic or sub-optimal image on Instagram. People don’t use it for reality. It’s pure projection.
Applying filters and Facetune is like taking performance enhancing drugs, if they are all doing it (doping) then whats the issue?
The issue is some people cheat more than others. And there are still a few people who are clean. Who never tested positive for misdirection and subterfuge. And the real truth is that they are the good ones.
Consider making that account private and a bit more realistic.
Delivery apps
You can get anything delivered in 10 minutes now. Thats quicker than you will (statistically) last in bed.
A fresh pair of underpants delivered in the time it takes you ruin the old pair.
Need condoms? boom. Lube too? god bless you sir…
You can even get sex toys delivered in a jiffy
Making Negronis, but ran out of Vermouth? They got you fam.
Hungry? Food and sex are two of our most primal indulgences. Be kind to yourself, you just lost an average of 101 calories (LOL) and need sustinence.
You need post-coital Thai food? Deliveroo that Penang and act accordingly. Ask if your bedfellow needs extra sides or sauces. Always grossly over order, theres nothing worse than running out of fuel, and cold leftovers in the morning are almost as good as the sex itself.
My advice? be creative, order a WHOLE ROAST CHICKEN. It smells AMAZING, is full of protein and there is so much depth to deconstructing that poulet by hand. It’s romantic and messy, just like you. Get extra napkins.
Just make sure you also dress accordingly when you pay the delivery guy. Imagine being on a zero hour contract and minimum wage and having to deal with a sweaty dad bod and distended testicles as you gratefully accept this greasy bag as if it was an academy award.
Also please give the poor delivery guy a decent tip. He’s just gone through his own personal hell. And don’t ever EVER complain, you are lucky to get anything delivered, and the live chat for complaints is WILD, even Deliveroo ain’t got time for your bullshit:
Ouch. Sorry Gary x
Outro
Ok well time to wrap this up. Personally I would try to reduce digital engagement in most aspects of life but theres an argument for going back to the old days. Maybe being a ‘luddite in love’ is the way forward.