Aperitif
I’ve always had an *interesting* relationship with the booze, for decades now. It’s such a complicated journey. You can’t explain it or reason with it, sometimes it’s a genetic predisposition, mixed with social constructs and societal acceptance; and some other bullshit. For most people it’s just drinking. For others it’s a journey to hell.
Your own final destination with alcohol is a lottery which you either win or lose.
The odds are both genetic and bullshit too.
Win, and you’ll be sitting inside a restaurant with a beer.
Lose, and you’ll be sitting outside a restaurant with a beer, but next to a cash machine, begging for money.
My journey with alcohol started with having an alcoholic dad. As a child you don’t understand the chaos of alcoholism, and you are confused, as you are supposed to be learning from your folks; and naturally mimicking your nearest same-sex parent, which in my case was my dad.
For any young boy, your dad is supposed to be your hero. Mine was a sad drunk.
Poor sod, he was deeply unhappy and stuck in a cycle of abuse that I would come to understand is a common one, but a very deep hole to try to climb out of.
Alcoholism ain’t nothing but a family thing. And it starts with an imbalance of happiness.
When I look back on my life so far, I was always confused.
Everyone seemed so happy and positive. I always felt like shit. Always.
I feel so awful about myself all the time. I have no enthusiasm or drive. Like what is the fucking point?
It’s just ponderous. I am tired and I am struggling to get through the day.
I have a big, creative brain and so much to give, I want to make the very best of my skills and talent, but I’m so sad all the time…
How do I get out of this?
Alcohol.
The first time you have a beer you immediately feel better. It’s ridiculous. No matter how shit you feel, after that first drink, you have hope.
You then realise something. That first drink feeling? its what regular folk feel like sober. ALL THE TIME. It’s a human baseline.
I now know this isn’t that simple, but for some it seems like they were always a beer behind.
Regular folk are like “Life is great! lets live our best life!”
You now want to feel like what regular people feel like. ALL THE TIME.
But it takes a beer to feel like that.
Thats the very genesis of an alcohol problem.
Drinking alcohol is like taking any other drug, it’s amazing! and your life will never be the same again, because the drug gave you a window into your best life. And it feels so good.
But you are now on the path to destruction.
The scariest thing for some people is the reality that the baseline for most humans is something they will never experience without a drink.
Alcoholics want to drink for the sole purpose of feeling better. But getting drunk is just borrowing happiness. You have to pay back that loan, with interest. It’s a bad debt that can never be repaid.
Anyway enough of that, lets explore the wonders of alcohol -
Preload
The Finnish word "kalsarikänni" means “drinking alone, at home, in your underwear”
This was by far my biggest discovery and downfall when my marriage ended. Unless you are tee-total, you will be drinking more alcohol. Alone. Sometimes in your underwear.
It's’ the easiest and most accessible way to disassociate from the situation. It’s important at this stage to monitor you intake as this is where you can pick up a bit of a drink problem. Also my goodness your anxiety is going to go up, and alcohol will make that much worse.
Early day drinking
For me as an ex heavy drinker, I particularly loved the early starts.
Early drinking is partly great because it frowned upon by most people. For those, the idea of drinking before the Yard arm, is a mark of having a drink problem. But what if you are a fisherman, or a night porter, well I am none of them, I’m just hungover and need a cold fizzy pint of happiness.
If you must drink early, go live near an airport. You can drink there whenever and no one will make you feel bad about it being 9am
The ubiquitous ‘Flying Horse’ Wetherspoons in Gatwick is the Mos Eisley Cantina of pre-flight punctuational pissups. You can get shitfaced in there anytime, 24 hours a day. They sell food too, if you like that sort of thing.
Afterwards you can go suitcase shopping and buy a fucking big Toblerone
And have a Toblerone Lightsaber fight.
It’s also really easy to get a taxi home.
And if you wanted a week in Corfu, well take your passport and roll the dice, player…
Sunday afternoon/evening drinking
When I lived in Notting Hill back in early 2000’s, I lived opposite a lovely pub called the Metropolitan. This was quite the novelty at first, but then the allure of the Sunday lunchtime drinking, that I had always said was “a bit alcy“ was far too great, and I fell into the lovely hole of destroying the good lords day with a sermon based around strong lager. They drink wine in church, what’s the difference? My Jesus juice is cold pint of Nelson (Mandela, Stella)
Sunday drinking makes Monday so much harder, but why is drinking on Sunday so brilliant?
Well theres no science, but it shifts the Sunday scaries to Monday. And theres the rub. If you drink heavily you are just borrowing happiness from the next day.
There is no situation in history that a man has been able to drink himself out of. And, like drugs, you are going to have to repay the debt the next day, with interest.
Anyway enough of my waffle, here some ethanoledge:
The session
The word comes from the Arabic word "al-kuḥl," which originally referred to a fine powder used as an eye makeup.
Alcohol is old. like really fucking old. According to Wikipedia:
“The oldest evidence of ancient wine production has been found in Georgia from c. 6000 BC (the earliest known traces of grape wine), Iran from c. 5000 BC, Greece from c. 4500 BC,Armenia from c. 4100 BC (large-scale production), and Sicily from c. 4000 BC. The earliest evidence of fermented alcoholic beverage of rice, honey and fruit, sometimes compared to wine, is claimed in China. There is evidence of the intentional fermentation of certain substances from China, dating from 7000-6600 BCE. Scientists have found residues of a fermented beverage made from honey, rice, and fruit . Similar evidence from 6000 BCE was discovered in the Middle East.”
Wine
Wine was technically the first booze invented. Grapes were among the first things those early cultures fermented, and as we know, grapes+fermentation = wine.
Wine almost entirely sacred, connected with the country’s gods and was used in rituals. Then Chardonnay was invented and every Essex girl got pleasantly shitfaced. The rest is history.
No, the French or Italians did not invent it. But who cares really, it’s those jolly Marlborough folk in New Zealand knocking out that mid-price Sauvignon Blanc that is keeping our society happy.
Beer
Beer was next, produced mainly from barley and served as an important food source for the Mesopotamian population. I like to think beer was invented by the Belgians, because they literally worship beer. In Bruges they have an actual Beer Pipeline:
Belgium is a Mecca for beer, the Trappist monks have been brewing the finest bier for centuries.
After hours ride to hell (the good, the bad and the ugly)
Good: Negroni
The late, great Anthony Bourdain introduced me to many things, one of them being the finest cocktail known to man. The Negroni.
It’s just so simple, a shot of gin, a shot of Vermouth (Rosso), and a shot of Campari. Pour those over ice and add a slice of orange. Bosh.
For me, it’s the perfect drink to order whilst i’m perusing the menu.
Bad: Buckfast
‘Bucky’ is a wonderfully strange phenomenon. Buckfast Tonic Wine is a caffeinated alcoholic drink consisting of fortified wine with added caffeine, originally invented and made by French monks, who fleeing persecution in the 1880’s, settled at Buckfast Abbey in Devon.
My first awareness of this mythical concoction was through the TV show ‘Rab C Nesbitt’, arguably one of the finest sit-coms ever written. It had an episode where Rab visits the Abbey and the monks. It’s hugely popular amongst the Neds in the poorer parts of Scotland.
Each bottle has the caffeine equivalent of 5 cans of coke.
The trouble is, this Polysubstance abuse is heavily linked with antisocial behaviour.
Alcohol is a downer, and Caffeine an upper. Anyone who has drunk vodka and red bull knows you are in for a wild ride. Mixing your drugs is dangerous and never ends well.
Ugly: Pruno. AKA ‘prison wine’
I’ve always been fascinated by human behaviour, and there is no finer example of the most visceral behaviour than prison. Prison restricts so much of what a person can do, that inmates become master inventors and alchemists, so they can pass the time and make their stay at His Majesties Pleasure a little bit more bearable.
Take some fruit, or anything that will go off, and ferment. Pruno can be made using a plastic bag, hot water, and a towel or sock to conceal the pulp during fermentation. It’s usually made and stored in the toilet. Which is ironically where it is dispatched.
Apparently it tastes like bile and wine. Mind you if you are used to using your toilet as a telephone, it ain’t so bad.
The hangover
Well what comes up, must go down. And like the forces of gravity, you are pulled helplessly towards feeling like crap, racked with anxiety and craving all of the bad (good) foods.
A hangover is like an illness, but one which has one simple, but terrifying cure.
More alcohol.
And theres the rub.
Thanks for reading!
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