Analog dating
Discover more from Mat Venn
Analog dating
Online dating is dreadful. Lets consider the alternatives...
“If we meet offline, and you look nothing like your pics, you're buying me drinks until you do."
- Unknown
Intro
Being single is both lovely and lonely. For those who want to share their life with another, the journey starts with dating.
This used to be a simple process of meeting someone.
Finding the right partner is always a tricky needle to thread, but there were multiple opportunities to meet people, via work, social, hobbies and faith.
Then technology came along, like a cuckoo and replaced everything lovely about the process, with a digital detritus.
Enter online dating. The democratisation of dating, it sounded so brilliant. But it ended up ruining most peoples chances at love.
Online dating is utterly vacuous, a total shitshow.
The problem
Being single is both a blessing and a curse. It’s genuinely tough to meet new people. And potential partners? Forget about it.
The most irritating part is that *taste* you experience by coming across the following irritant:
Every once in a while you run into a married couple who *actually* met on a dating app.
John and Jenny Outlier-Smith, or whatnot.
“A dating app success story!” “one of the lucky ones” etc
“We met on Tinder!!” OMG I swiped RIGHT!
These beacons of hope, a potted portmanteau of prospect and promise.
I hate John and Jenny. But are they really a beacon of hope?
Online dating is * awful *
Conceptually, online dating is a beacon of hope. But the reality is utterly dreadful.
Social media tells a different story, of bad dates, subterfuge and toxic behaviour. It seems that while the technology affords you the opportunity to meet a load of potential suitors, almost none of them are remotely going to be a good fit for you, and the process is harder because of this.
The two biggest factors in meeting someone decent is compatibility and chemistry (assuming they are reasonably attractive obvs.) Neither of those are possible to determine until you meet someone and spend a few (relatively) sober hours together.
The reality is that online dating is dreadful, and its only getting worse.
Dating apps are the biggest issue. It’s the unwanted democratisation of the consequences of when blind dates meet borderline personalities. A digital shitshow, forced upon us as the de-facto dating experience.
Is this it? is this all there is now? Is this really how people meet?
Well no. Fuck that. Digital dating is gross. Here are some analog options…
Parkrun
Believe it or not, there are human beings that on an *actual* Saturday morning, will willingly trade extra sleep, hangover maintenance, a fryup and a crafty wank, to don sportswear and go jog around a set course of five kilometers.
Yup. Fucking mental.
Yet those people are all actually really lovely, and maybe one of them might let you buy them a coffee.
Supermarket
I previously wrote that the best first date is doing the big weekly shop:
You get to see if your food choices are compatible
You get your first argument out of the way
You get your weekly big shop done.
You get to do the shopping trolley test — if they return the trolley, they are a good egg, if not they are a psychopath.
No reason why you cant meet someone in your supermarket. You are clearly more likely to meet someone of the same socio economic status, social class, culture (if thats important), at the big shop of your choice.
Tescos, 2pm, hanging around the marked down section looking for a miracle? you are both clearly budget conscious. Fish counter at Waitrose? suggest consuming your salted cod and scallops over a glass of Petit Chablis.
Finding the right match is about staying in your lane (aisle). At the right supermarket, in the right section, you have already filtered 200 people down to 4. If one of those is in your age range then you might be able to say hello.
Get a dog
Owning a canine is a great way to meet a partner. Most lonely people get a dog. Its universally accepted that you can approach any dog owner and start up an arbitrary conversation whilst stroking the pooch (not a euphemism) and you can use the word ‘bitch’ with impunity.
If you don’t own a dog, always carry some kibble in your pocket, in case an attractive potential mate with a canine crosses your path. Dogs don’t give a fuck, they will allow you to flirt with their owner in return for some food. Bonus points for carrying some poo bags or a whistle
The gym
Who the fuck goes to the gym? A sweatbox of narcissism, self loathing and lifting.
Mind you tho you could potentially meet the love of your life whilst squatting the bodyweight of a medium sea lion.
The average gym goer has more motivation, looks after their body, is more ‘driven’ (eurgh) and is less likely to quit a relationship. You’ve already seen them semi-naked (steady on) and you can gauge their empathy and how they treat others by whether they wipe down the equipment after use.
It’s pretty easy to spark up a conversation:
“HEY are you finished with that?”
“What?” (removes bluetooth headphones)
“Sorry are you done with the squat rack?”
“Look buster, I’m trying to film a TikTok of how thirsty gym bros always approach me at the gym whilst filming my podcast about thirsty gym bros. Also I have a boyfriend. He’s hench AF and does Keto”
“Ok sorry to have bothered you”
Church
Church is great for meeting a potential partner. There is only one rather significant caveat, unless they are there for a wedding or funeral, they will almost certainly be betrothed to a complicated and archaic ideology that might impede any kind of relationship if you are an atheist.
But think of the positives:
You both have the same favourite deity
You both have a favourite book
You both like red wine and crackers (am so rooting for you)
Jesus loves you both
Scientology
Ah the religion that got even gay A-List movie stars a new girlfriend every few years, might actually be a good fit for some.
Support groups
Ok well maybe we are approaching the more penurious portion of this perquisition, but fuck it, we need to find a partner and stave off this loneliness.
Anger Management
Ok its a bit of a reach, but WHY not?
Alcoholics Anonymous
Ok well this is only really going to work if a) you don’t drink, and b) you can keep a secret.
Narcotics Anonymous
See above but you can drink, but no cocaine or whatnot
Gamblers Anonymous
See above but don’t bet on winning ANYTHING. Also you cant go to the races together, play monopoly or enter a Ladbrokes without a massive argument. And you cant bet on who wins the argument.
The pub
Ok now we move towards the old school. The honest to goodness, OG meeting place. The traditional boozer.
Trouble is, most of the people in there are married. Or young (eurgh)
The ones that are perceptibly available, its going to cost you between 7–10 quid to purchase their next beverage.
Work
In the old days, one in 5 relationships started at work.
Now its barely one in 10. But that still a decent angle for lonely guys.
Covid cock-blocked EVERYTHING
Everyone works from home now, you cant chat up Sandra next to the water cooler, unless you *actually* own a water cooler, and Sandra has agreed to work in your house. Sandra is NEVER coming to work in your house. Sandra is also on Tinder. She’s chatting with Derek. Derek is a vegetarian who plays online scrabble and has a cat.
Weddings
Weddings are statistically the best environment to meet a new love interest.
Its a doozy to meet your next partner at a matrimonial ceremony.
Also everyone is REALLY drunk. You cannot embarrass yourself! No-one will judge you. And there is music!
Also its romantic! the most important accelerant of ardency.
There is an abundance of snacks. Its like catnip for awkward singletons
Think about it, you, standing in the poshest clothing you own, at a formal ceremony of that not only projects the tenets of a monogamous relationship, but also supports the fantasy of meeting ‘the one’ and contains an inebriated flock of people, looking the most formally amazing they can, dancing badly and hoping the dinner buffet will soak up the alcohol.
Put a card in the shop window
Sticking a card in the local shop window is great for finding a piano teacher, a gardener, or selling a TV. Why cant that mechanism be used for finding love?
The average person who peruses this mosaic of exigencies, are looking for someone to fix their problems. Thats you. They require a helper. But everyone wants to find love.
Ok lets wrap this up
Being single is arguably better than submitting yourself to the horrors of digital dating, maybe we need to get back to basics.
Good luck!